I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.
They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.
devildoll paging devildoll GRIZZLY RAGE: BEARS VS. ALIENS coming to SyFy this fall WITH EARTH IN THE BALANCE……. TWO MORTAL ENEMIES WILL….. DISCOVER…. THAT THE FOREST IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR Starring: Tyler Hoechlin Some Bears (via Helenish)
SCREAMING OVER THIS
Screaming over Hoechlin in an eyepatch, scars all over his body from surviving the mauling in the original Grizzly Rage, now runs a bear attack survival camp that’s been featured on 60 Minutes due to its extreme and questionable practices, living in the bear BDSM cabin, walls covered with bear skin trophies. Spends his spare time posting on his anti-bear blog, working on his sixth book about bear attacks.* Occasionally gets drunk on whiskey and stumbles into his front yard in his underwear, clutching the bottle in his hand, and screams into the dark, “I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE YOU BITCH. COME AND GET ME. COME AND FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED.” She never does.
And then…the aliens arrive.
*Sample chapter title: Stephen Colbert Was Right
PLEASE. PLEASE!!!!!! I need this to be a buddycop film, where Tyler Hoechlin is the Jeff Goldblum-y/Sandra Bullock character and Mama Bear is the Will Smith/Mellssa McCarthy wisecrackin loudmouth. TYLER HOECHLIN IS A PARANOID OUTSIDER, DRIVEN TO ISOLATION BY HIS INABILITY TO MOVE ON FROM THE TRAGEDY THAT WAS HIS ROADTRIP THROUGH CANADA.
At first, all the news outlets are interested in him, and he’s invited on the View and there’s a story about him in Newsweek but his deranged ranting about the Superpowered Bear, the intelligent Bear, that Bear seemed less fascinating and more…really sad. ”Poor Tyler Hoechlin,” the stories go now. ”He was once valedictorian of either college or high school, and he was cool enough to wear a backwards hat and now look at him. LOOK AT HIM. What a shame.”
Tyler Hoechlin uses his small savings to outfit the BDSM cabin with wifi, spends his time on conspiracy forums, trying to spread the word when it happens. ALIENS!!!!!!!!!!! He knows what has to be done. ALL THE BEARS MUST DRINK FROM THE TOXIC LAKE. Everyone must know—we have an ARMY we don’t even know about!!!!!
Mama Bear is minding her own business, living in a new shack she built decorated with the reminders of her beautiful lost daughter when her daughter’s MURDERER shows up. At first her desire for REVENGE is reawakened when suddenly, a strike from the aliens hits too close to home, and Mama Bear is forced into an Unlikely Partnership with the one man she swore to destroy.
Coming soon on Syfy, the friendship you never expected against the enemy you always feared.
BEARS VS ALIENS!!!!!!!!!!
Tyler Hoechlin: We don’t have time for this! We have to get these bottles of toxic lake water to your brethren!
Mama Bear: And we will. As soon as you get your ass into that store, and get me a can of tuna. Listen, you want me to go get it myself?
Tyler Hoechlin: No, I do not want that. I do not want you to go in there and get it yourself.
Mama Bear: I know you don’t. You killed my daughter, you can’t get me a goddamn can of tuna? Jesus.
DON’T MISS IT.
AT THE END, Tyler Hoechlin risks his life to save Mama Bear’s new baby cub. She’s going out there against the aliens alone for her baby, getting ready, and Tyler Hoechlin walks in, weapons strapped to his body, extra boot knife, backpack full of tuna,
"The car’s ready when you are," he says.
"You don’t have to," she says.
"You’re not going out there alone," he says.
"No," she says, having come to grudgingly respect, and then, even, to love Tyler Hoechlin, "I can’t—this is a suicide mission."
"Let’s go get that baby bear," he says, jerking his head towards the door as the music swells, and then when Mama Bear is felled by the gamma radiation weapon and too injured to go on, Tyler Hoechlin CARRIES THE BABY BEAR TO SAFETY CRADLED TENDERLY IN HIS MANLY ARMS IN A HAIL OF PLASMA WEAPONS FIRE.
Epilogue: Tyler Hoechlin, Mama Bear, and baby bear living peacefully in the forest as a blended family, rollicking through the woods, roasting freshly caught fish over an open fire, Tyler Hoechlin and baby bear playfully wrassling in the leaves. ONCE AGAIN, ALL IS WELL ON PLANET EARTH.
Woooo, actually feeling good (i did *laundry*! and i’ve been using lia-babble again instead of being all words are enemies) like….best I’ve felt it a while?
..which is good. because uh…shoot. it’s been a while. Turns out that anti-anxiety meds & I Do Not Mix Well and I uh..wasn’t doing so hot for a while back in Dec/early Jan. Been sorting out work and trying not to act batshit or let my brainweather get in the way of work with varying results. But Boss-Lady Prime is fabulous and…incredibly understanding. She’s very good at having clear expectations & being willing to help me meet them, & I appreciate her incredibly.
Unfortunately the mix of dealing w/workstress + brainweather meant I kinda crashed out of anything at all people-wise for a while. But, once again, I return to posting and trying to take up interacting with people again. ^^;
Oh, and provided shit does not hit the brain-fan again, hoping to go to Anime Boston again this year because a)nerd-convention was perf. last year b) kori!! c) maybe looking for jobs in the area!?!!?
IT’S A MINI HOBBIT HOLE
WITH A BONSAI TREE
maybe stop behaving like a newly married couple, you two [x] (¬‿¬)✿◠
i remember the “selling their kid on ebay” story…
Who sells their kid on ebay? That’s nuts.
That’s a child. A living being that you made.
That shit goes on etsy.
RELEVANT TO HUMANITY
Relevant to tumblr.
Relevant to existence.
I am afraid this is actually a true thing, whether you want it to be true or not.